My Mind

You people.....

Tue, 29 Dec 2009 02:42:09 GMT

There is very few things in life that make sense at the time that you are experiencing them. Memory is a damned device in which memories are twisted so our minds can paint everything black or white because gray takes up too much space in our grapefruit sized brains. And even with that small amount of space to store our shifted memories we only use ten percent of that leaving us with an untapped potential and even less space to comprehend and store what we know from the realm outside ourselves. We blunder through life half blind to it all simply because the term survival of the fittest only applies to five percent of the ten billion people living on earth. There is no 'I must reach beyond my limits to achieve the safety of myself and family' thereby indirectly pushing along evolution to make homo sapien sapiens a greater species. It's more like 'I will find the easiest and most profitable path no matter how many tragedy of the commons I partake in.' And since this is the case for most, we can assume that the fate of the world would be safer if we simply just disappeared. But, to condemn your own species to something like total annihilation is looked down upon in our society because people fear death and want to continue living and reproduce and have their offspring live. It has been ingrained into our subconscious to fear death and continually make carbon copies of ourselves to the point we overpopulate the planet. Why must every couple have children? Heck, why must every couple have a single child? Do you people really need to watch younger versions of yourselves and your mate running around? Is it really that necessary? Why not adopt and save one less child from dying of malnutrition in Africa? (The analogy I am about to use will insult some people, but I think that means that the analogy applies to them the most.) It is exactly like having an animal and not spaying/neutering it. If you let the dumb thing breed with another of its kind it DOES NOT MATTER if you get every single resulting creature from that pairing a home you are still contributing to the death of other animals already living without a home. The same is with humans. If you have a child (more if you're an idiot) you are taking away a home from some other child that needs your love just as much as you biological thing you create. I do not see a difference between biological and adopted and the only reason that most people do is because biological means that they have more ownership over the child. They can control it more. It is wholly theirs. But what a lame excuse is that? Why do people cling to such illogical rationalizations? Even though i am a part of this race of beings and probably have the exact same intelligence level as many other of my kind, I must say, you people piss me off immensely.

Terrorism and Love

Tue, 29 Dec 2009 02:20:37 GMT

Love is like a terrorist attack.

Before, you don't know it's going to happen.
During, you don't know what the hell is going on, only that you can't see clearly.
After, you still don't know what happened until you've left it all far behind you.

You cut your hair

Sun, 15 Nov 2009 05:08:00 GMT

Don't leave me. Your fading to me and I can't hold to such an insubstantial mist. You cut your hair this week and now you look like a cancer patient. You look so non descript I'm already forgetting what you once looked like yet I miss it. I feel like this is another way that you are pulling back from me. I don't know why but the more you change the less I know you. or what you want. or what you want with me for I no longer know. You cut your hair and I don't know what to make of it. I turn away from you to see who I have left in my life and it's quite a sorry bunch. Actually it could be said I no longer have a best friend or one that equates to anyone I could talk to about anything. Or one who is glad to see me every day. i don't think I had one before you and i don't think that I ever will again. So as you pull away i grab at air in hopes that I won't be left alone again but i know i have no control and it scares me. I will relish our remaining time but like a cancer patient you resemble we only have so much more time because you don't want to be with me anymore. So I will be alone again.

when i looked outside this morning

Sun, 25 Oct 2009 18:14:08 GMT

Soft snow on green grass,
Ground too warm for it to last,
Here, Seasons battle.

Optimism is a killer

Sat, 24 Oct 2009 23:48:58 GMT

Denial is a horrible thing. To think that something will last forever on the simple insubstantial fact that you want it to is ignorance at its best. Though it is hard to look to the future and see the current happiness end in a place somewhere near unpleasant, it is foolish to think that turning away from such a fate will change anything. I must have always known that me and My Darling, as we shall call him here, would not last for a truly long extent of time. And, looking at the length of our lives, we are merely blips on each other's considerably long times of conciousness. (if you could call a human life long in any sense of the word compared to the length of time that the universe exists) It might even be said that our relationship is nearing the beginning of the end or the middle, depending on how one would interpret time, and this saddens me for I feel such intense joy around him. (though i refuse to compare him to the sun)
We are still happy in many senses of the word and will be for a few months, but alas this shall come to an end sooner than either of us wants to ponder about it for one or two main reasons. That being that he has decided to live his life in discipline somewhere far away in order to partriotic to some organization or another, not like i especially care. He will leave in 13 days and 8 months. And then I will not see him for something days and 6 months, which is a terribly long time to not see someone you care about as dearly as I do him. So this leads me to a cross roads of decision. Shall I wait for my current lover, for six months, and hope that when he comes back all will be return to as it once was? That seems awfully optimistic, which, it seems, would be the heart of all the troubles that assaile me at this cross roads. Up until recently (yesterday) I thought that optimism would be enough for me and I could wait for six months because while it is a terribly long time it is also very short in the grand scheme of things. Up until yesterday I was already imagining his return into my arms as a hardened soldier longing for my love and acceptance. But no more. Both of us have been victiims of that disease called optimism and as with all diseases it brings disquiet to the mind and soul.
Yesterday, I learned that My Darling had been talking with an old and trusted friend, which to me is seemingly harmless. But, I had forgotten that I had been really his only constant friend contact for at least three months. How foolish I have been to think that he remain totally dedicated to staying together once given another option to follow. An easier option at that. No longer does he want to grow up and "adopt little asian babies together" and though this may have been said in jest, many a truth is said with a joking tone. So, when he said this i took it to be a greater possiblitly than I should have. My Darling and I, we were too optimistic for out situation. And in a way the weight of such disappointment crushes the breath out of me. How I wanted to be with him; To remain in that happy place where laughing was the constant accompaniment. Now, it will not be so. His friend, who I really can't blame for My Darling's change in heart for he is quite fickle, planted the idea of leaving this region where we live to go somewhere not far, but not near enough to remain in a healthy relationship. When I asked him bluntly about if he would stay in this place I plan to leave his answer was no longer "I will follow you to the ends of the earth!" but "It is possible" and now I know we shall not last as long as I expected. This brings me back to the cross roads and the other path that i will probably will more likely take if only to save myself from utter heart break. It will be to end what we have after a year of nearly continuous companionship and have little or no connections to him after he leaves for what he believes is the correct path for him. What is the point in waiting for someone who will not come back to you? If I truly love him i will let him go and if he truly loves me he will come back. But again this optimism whispering lies into my vulnerable mind and I know almost certainly that he will not come back. Truth is the greatest pain, but I must endure it.
I have a while before I must choose a path to walk down, changing my life forever so maybe things will alter in my perspective. Maybe for better and maybe for worse and even now I do not know which is which. So I will live in the moment as much as I truly can and not look forward and not look back.

Never too long

Sat, 26 Sep 2009 02:40:27 GMT

Maybe we should dance until the sun rises,
Let the cool night air drive us before we're burning up
The beat won't leave for now
So we'll dance.
Twist our bodies under the full harvest moon
Oh mother luna we shall bask in you weak rays
Like beach goers tanning in your gold sister.

Yet we children of the darkness can never
Step (let alone dance) in the harsh rays
that hit the Earth twelve hours of the day

Our lives have an expiration date
This lonely hilltop beyond time itself where
Our circle of kindred spirits will be broken.
We will fade like wisps of fog
So for now let's dance
Dance for our lives.

The more people compliment me the more I know its not true.

Sat, 05 Sep 2009 03:33:52 GMT

I think that no one takes me seriously because I don't take myself seriously. But if I'm serious about me and what i do then I'll fall harder and getting up is a moutain that I don't want to climb. Ultimately, everyone is selfish. Shouldn't I be? Shouldn't I just see it as survival of the fittest? Yet i depend on so many people that its not really like that...there will be no evolution here. yet that support system is a failed fit. When I write a poem that I love. Like L-O-V-E no one takes it seriously. No one even reads it all the way through I bet. They joke about it, make fun and brush it off. This deeply insults me because i worked so hard to make that jumble of words make sense that people should value it. At least more than they do/did. And yet. And yet I do/ did the same exact thing because really no matter how much i care about someone its really about me. I drift through poems that people shove at me because I'm probably tired, bored/don't care. I care enough to pretend to read it because I do, in a way, i care about the person so desparate for attention (I do this too). or if i give someone a poem and they tell me its crap I take it as a personal assult even though (usually) its not. There is a strong possiblilty that it is all crap but sometimes (mostly) I don't want to hear the truth. i want to go into my own little world where everyone says yes kathrine you are perfect, beautiful, nice, kind, considerate, smart. because i know in reality no one will ever tell me that and be completely sincere about it. just like I'll never be completely sincere. how can I be? But I don't want to be bullshitted in real life because then its beingg surrounded by liars. and one can never trust liars...though I lie on a regular basis. i wish I didn't think this much. I know that people have it soooo much worse but I can't help pity myself because all of this stress is just...and now that i have eveything that i want i realize that there is no glass ceiling to human want and i'll never really be satisified. not really. but I can get by as long I lose it. no crying for me today.

In the Daylight

Tue, 04 Aug 2009 04:33:14 GMT

The rain beats out an unrelenting rhythm on the thin steel covering of this worn bus stop outside Seattle-Tacoma Airport and these people listening seem to hunch their shoulders a little more against the cold that dripsdown and laps at their ankles. All the colors are dull with a hint of grey encroaching the brightness that always dims in the rain. I pull my hat farther down over my face in part to keep out the cold but mostly so that the people around me don't get a good look at me. You never can be too careful and with so much that could be lost I feel the need to take every precaution. I almost miss the warm sunshine that bathed my house during the long hot summers where I lived but then I remember everything else and I stop missing it as much.
The bus comes in like a ghost and if it wasn't for the large displacement of water from the asphalt to the legs of all the people standing on the sidewalk, including myslef, I probably wouldn't have noticed. It's blue and green colors can't even begin to fight the dim grey that falls with the rain. It's like everything is grey and this twilight is dominated by this single color.
We leave Sea-Tac far behind in no time and the eerie floating lights that shine over the grey planes disappear into the night. I look away from the other passengers into the darkness decorated with neon lights and lights from homes and the lights that reach over the highway making a mirror of the wet black pavement.
I almost miss my stop but thankfully I can still recognize the place even though it's raining and the only light is far away. I get off quickly, but not too quickly so I don't arouse suspiscion. The closer I get to where I need to be the more paranoia eats at my conciousness. I walk away from the bus stop into the murky night where I feel more than a little uncomfortable. I was never afraid of the dark. Always afraid of what came out of it without the slightest bit of warning. In fact, I'm still afraid but i try not to show it because that can be dangerous in a place like this where the people never see much of the sun.

You are too much

Sun, 26 Jul 2009 02:15:02 GMT

You are too much to look at just once.
So great that a glimpse does not do you justice.
My mind is a page and no matter how many times
I draw in the finest,
Most articulate details;
I keep finding more
Than I can ever hope to capture in
This faulty human memory.

It’s not called stalking

If you don’t even know I exist

Yet I am so close to being your shadow

The ghost behind the mirror

That sees your life trickle by into the past,

I wish you would look over your shoulder just once.

I want to know all of you.

But one only learns so much

Watching through the steamy windows of drunken dormitories.

After that first triumph of conversation
I knock at your door more frequently, and I dive deeper in
To come closer to the heart
that you hide from me.

I am a parasite that has latched onto your heart,

But you fail to realize what kind of hold I have on you;

I have wormed my way into your soul and

You will never escape from me.

Fri, 10 Jul 2009 04:05:52 GMT

There is no one to unload on tonight. I just have to take it like I did when I was little. Somethings hurt to remember so badly that you forget them and never look back. That's what I tried to do. The problem is that my memories stare me in the face and I can't run away from them. "You're such a fucking idiot." I never want to hear those words again. I never want to see the look of absolute disgust on my dad's face for a simple mistake. I am so tired and yet little miss perfect must be here to stay. So I used dishwasher soap instead of diswasher detergent and it made a bunch of bubbles. A simple mistake. "I don't need this right now. It could have cost us a thousand dollars in floor restoration." I know the words behind the words. Like why are you so stupid? Why can't you do anything right? What did I do to deserve a daughter as lazy as you? He doesn't have to say it out loud. The scowl says it all. My mother is tries to play the referee but she's clueless. Has no idea that she's not the only one who beats up on me with words. I am so tired of it all. here he comes. time to take the crap

Part 2 of Mental Renaissance

Thu, 25 Jun 2009 04:40:10 GMT

Today, right now, I should feel exhilarated, content happy or jubilant, but I really don’t. I mean life is going pretty good for being an ultimately chaotic system; I have a boyfriend and friends and looking in from the outside I think that no one would see the cracks and seams that riddle the foundation. Especially the recently completed creation of adding a boyfriend to my life. At the beginning of the relationship there were so many possibilities so many paths that we could take that all seemed end in old age and eternal love. Now only four weeks later of officially dating I feel all the opportunities closing faster than I can realize them. I don’t talk well or maybe I don’t think I talk well and therefore might be creating the problem. Either way, I find it hard to connect with him on a level that would make our bond a little deeper than the superficial place it is now. I feel that when I talk about something he used to try to be interested and now he looks off into space barely. Maybe I exaggerating, maybe he is paying attention but I don’t feel the compassion anymore. I don’t feel the want that he had at the beginning to get to know me; every single particle. Now he just wants me for one simple thing that occupies the mind of all 18 year old males and I am not willing to go all the way but I have appeased him with other lesser things. And that is exactly what I have done: APPEASED him. I mean that it wasn’t like I didn’t particularly mind what we were (are) doing but after I feel violated and used. Like a rag to be thrown away with little ceremony. I shouldn’t feel that way. I am too important to ever feel that way. No one will care about me the way I care about me because people always put themselves first in the end. No one will save me from the burning building but myself and I must be strong enough to pull away and do that. There is no one more special or precious than me to myself. I am priceless, valuable, and worthwhile. I will not lower myself anymore to someone else’s standards. I will not become someone else for other people instead I will become more of myself and scare away all the people I have collected as friends when they see my real colors. But I don’t care. I am tired of pretending and holding back. I am tired of trying to cater to other people’s need because they won’t be there for me when I need them most. I am alone in this world. Totally alone in a world full of more than five billion people and I can’t believe that someone will save me because hope is a weakness I can’t afford to have. No one will really love me but me.

I am done with playing second fiddle to Matt in our relationship. He will realize my worth or he will lose me. Maybe I won’t make it without his arms protecting me like they have for the four past short weeks. He is my kind of drug and stopping cold turkey will be torture. But look on the bright side, I might lose weight cause I’ll have an excuse not to eat and I’ll have more time to exercise. Or I might just gain twenty pounds because I have an excuse to eat and then I’ll kill myself. It could go either way really.

I just want him to love me. I just want to know that he loves me. Like really truly. Meaning it is so far away from saying it you don’t even know. God it aches to love someone but have a fundamental problem that clashes with their baggage. I want him. I want to be with him. But can I and not be

Unhappy?

PART 1 of Mental Renaissance

Tue, 23 Jun 2009 04:28:20 GMT

Sleep won't take away my problems. Unlike the fog that is burned away by the sun, my thoughts shall remain until i deal with them and come to terms with the things that I have done. Sometimes you give up something that you held to be a truth of life because someone told you that it was different. It is in fact not different whatsoever because each of your values are yours and yours alone. They are your interpretations on life and they define who you are so don't ever let someone tell you that you are wrong because even if you are wrong in the real world you are probably right in your world. I didn't know that or at least I did not realize the importance of it. I let myself be persuaded and look where I am now. Half crazed and stressed out of my mind because I am trying to process what I did with what I should have done when the situation presented itself. I can't make what I did go away nor can I totally forgive myself because in a way i sinned against myself. Now I don't believe in god but i believe that you can sin, or do wrong. And I know that I have sinned, terribly so. How could I be so blind? How could i be so ignorant to the horrible crimes i committed against what I believe. no matter how long I live, I must always deal with the fact that i did things that were wrong in my own eyes. i guess that is part of getting older, you pick baggage that never lets you get true and peaceful rest. The sickest thing about it is that I don't quite regret it, not yet. There are two people inside me at the moment. The one who is horrified at the lackof logic that I have been showing lately and the one who wants to dig that hole deeper and deeper until the sun dissappears and there is nothing left. The lusty one will go away soon enough compared to how long i am expected to live, a few years is nothing in an 80year lifespan. i wish that they could live without battling. i wish that they could both stay forever because one keeps me sane and the other fuels the passion of life so my pitiful flame does not blow out.
Talking has always been hard for me. It started when I was a child or that's what I would assume since i can't remember a time when i didn't feel like there was a barrier between the true me and everything else. I had friends for some of my childhood and none for others but never did I feel the need to express what i really felt to anyone. I thought well i know what I feel like and that is all that matters; no one else needs to know. The true me hid itself away and dreamed in the stars of dragons and far away places, leaving something that wasn't quite me in its place to deal with the outside world. Now I have been set in that place of mind for so long that I almost can't be myself. I don't know who I am because I have been gone so long. The outerworld demands me to be myself or at least someone who suits their standards but i can't accomplish either of these. i strive to be myself but i can't seem to get it right and i can't be someone else because I don't know who they are either. Somehow i will find me though. i must now that a certain person is trying to really get to know me. How can i let him into this messy mind of mine without cleaning up first? He hasn't figured out yet that I walk on eggshells to pretend that i am comfortable with myself and totally ready for an intimate relationship when i am not. I am so frightened to be in a relationship because of the things it demands but i am equally frightened to lose that relationship and having to go back to being alone. What shall I do? No one knows, least of all me.

Thu, 01 Jan 2009 01:08:38 GMT

It is the middle time between Christmas and New Years and the ground is barren. If a person saw a picture of these lonely prairies they would think it the season of fall. Only the brave who live here know that it is in deep midwinter. How the bitter wind tears at the very essence of a person's soul or how the trees scream as they are nearly bent in half from the force of it.The poor trees that look like ghostly hands, reaching up to the sky desperately and yet knowing that they can never reach far enough. The grass is still green, but somehow, it feels dead. It doesn't give off the springy joy that it once did in spring.

Maybe if I walk for a thousand miles, i could escape this place. If I climbed over the jagged teeth that gaurd this poisoned microcosm there is a small chance that I could forget I ever was here. But in all likliehood I would not. Instead this place where the earth moans in pain would haunt my dreams until I die. I may still take the chance because to remain here forever would be torment. Where alcohol is not sold on Sunday becuase the Christians rule this place. Sunday is not a holy day by any standard, it is merely the day that ends the week.

A Dog in the Sun

Fri, 26 Dec 2008 20:07:57 GMT

The winter day glows bright with hope,
And peace can be seen in a small patch of space
That beautiful being
Curled tightly in a ball
The sun shining through the window
And splaying its rays
in just that one spot

The little creature covered in sun
Its breath silent and placid
Warming itself again today

A picture of sunlight and a little dog.
That is peace.

Mon, 08 Dec 2008 22:29:58 GMT

Dear Santa,

This year I've been busy!

In April I pulled yomi_chan305's hair (-5 points). In June I caught a purse-snatcher who stole slowdead's purse (30 points). In February kayjayloves and I robbed a bank (-50 points). In May I signed my organ donor card (28 points). Last Tuesday I bought porn for kayjayloves (10 points).

Overall, I've been nice (13 points). For Christmas I deserve a Sony Playstation 3!

Sincerely,
kelpie11

Tue, 02 Dec 2008 02:19:35 GMT

Every year, day, second and instant each person on the planet gets closer to death. There is no escaping it, ntohing to reverse the process. The entire human race is slowly commiting suicide through a process that they like to call life.

Life is what happens when you walk on the cliff's edge and death is what happens when you fuck up too badly to have any more balance.

The road to death is short; only about 50years or so if you take the global average.

Death hangs in the air around all that lives. Anything could happen and it just just might result in a human dying. Slip on a patch of ice, get hit by a car, fall down the stairs, eaten by bears, stabbed in the heart, psuhed off a building, killed by a paino dropped on their head, bitten by a poisonsous bug, cancer. Not everyone is lucky.

If life is a moment then death is less than an instant in time. And yet once that passes there is one more person lost to the great abyss after death. Somebody will never think again, never breath air, never love ever ever again.

So, next time you think that death is just at the end of a long road think again.

A Flutter of the Heart

Tue, 25 Nov 2008 03:30:30 GMT

I couldn't breath; couldn't focus. His smile was just so dazzling. I could feel all the blood leave my face and go to a place that I'd rather not think about.
"Changmin? Hey Changmin, are you okay? you look a little pale." he took my shoulder and squeezed it. Fuck he had noticed. I prayed to god that he wouldn't look at the bulge in my pants. Sometimes I am so stupid.
"Duh, uhmmmmm..." only more proof of my idiocy, I should have never opened my mouth, "Y-yeah I'm fine. Ummm....I think I'll go get some.....some water. Yeah, some water." Wow, I don't think I've ever sounded so dumb.
"No you don't look well. Sit and I'll get it for you." With that he tried to push me down and though i was much stronger than him, i fell into the couch and laid my head against the back. When his hand left my shoulder I breathed again. I really had to get it under control. I couldn't just collapse every time his dazzling smile shone up at me. But what could I do? Run the other way when he turned to look at me? Like that wouldn't be conspicuous. The fact was I could do nothing. Nothing. he didn't want me. Even if he was gay, which was possible, he wouldn't want me. The youngest guy in the band who had never been in a relationship before was not the most attractive thing to be.
I had always watched my crushes from afar never having the guts to go up and even talk to them. Oh, how I wanted him in my arms. Just to hold, to know that he wants me too would be enough. But it was hopeless. Pointless. Why should I exist? What I wanted was so close and yet unreachable. My breath started to hitch. I didn't even try to stop the tears from crawling down my face and jumping to their deaths on my lap. When he came back and saw me crying like a little child, he did the one thing that I hadn't expected him to do: sit down and take me slight frame into his arms. I went rigid; afraid of doing something wrong that would ruin this perfect moment. Even though i knew that it wasn't a lover's hug, it was more than I had ever dreamed of. As he cooed soft words of comfort into my ears, I melted in his arms. I wished that God would kill me now so that I could live in the peace of this moment forever.
But, it was not to be and slowly I stopped crying and, just as slowly, he let go of me with a protective brother look in his eyes. I almost started crying again. That was all I would ever be: a brother and never ever a lover.

That evening, after he had led me to my room with an arm around my shoulders and strict orders to sleep, Jae Joong creeped inside my room. He was the guy I was closest to in the band and he was the only one who knew that I was gay. Every one else thought i was just friendly. Despite this I didn't see Jae Joong as more than a brother even though he was gay also. Slowly, Jae crawled into my bed and stroked my hair, believing me to be asleep. I would have just let him stroke me to sleep but I needed to talk to someone. I couldn't stand another day pining after Yunho from afar. So i spoke,
"I..I have to tell you something and you must promise that you will not tell anyone and that you will help me with me problem."

"Tell me," he replied, his eyes wide with interest.

"I.." stumbling to find the right words, "I like Yunho. A lot." Jae looked at me with eyes so wide i was suprised when they didn't fall out of his head.
"Oh."
"So will you help me?"
he paused before answering, "........as best I can."

And so started my quest for Yunho's heart.

I woke up with the sun on my face and an empty dent where Jae must have slept for while. It was saturday so I was allowed to sleep in past the usual 6am and instead of getting up immeditaely just sat in bed, enjoying the morning. I heard the other band members moving around the house. I knew each member by the sound of their tread and it was amsuing just to sit and listen to them.

Jae Joong making himself breafast in the kitchen, his feet slapping against the tiles...
Yoochun and Junsu getting some action in the closet that shared a wall whit my room (those guys were always busy if you know what I mean...)
And, my heart constricted, Yunho soft footsteps plodding back and forth in the living room...probably worrying about something...( he always worried too much)
After that I think I fell asleep again because I woke and the sun no longer shone in my window and the entire house was silent. Every one must be at the clubs already, I thought. But in the middle of the afternoon? That seemed odd..though it was the weekend.
I climbed out of bed and went to the kitchen with only one thing in mind: food. I didn't bother to get dressed becuase what was the point when no one but me was there.
That was my first mistake. My second misttake, was that I had socks on so my foot steps were basically silent. As I poured the puffed rice cereal out of the bowl, I heard a little gasp from behind me. Shit, someone was home and being me, king of obliviousness, I didn't notice them approach. Slowly, i turned around to see yunho staring at me with disbelieving eyes, looking me up and down. This of course caused me not only to freeze up and turn bright red but also to drop the milk bottle. It landed with huge crash and shattered all over the floor, but when the many peices of glass cut my legs I barely noticed. Yunho had just checked me out. The guy of my dreams had just given me the once over with hungry eyes. I thought the seam in the front of my boxers was going to pop. Then, I looked down and saw the blood streaming out of the many cuts I had just recieved and my world went black.

When I woke up I knew it was only a little bit later because the sun had barely moved, but now I was laying on the couch and my legs kind of stung. They were covered in white bandages that had little stains on them and then i remeberd. I tensed, my common to reaction to all things remotely strange, wondering where Yunho was and if he had been hurt by the glass I had so stupidly dropped. I would never forgive myself if i had hurt Yunho. I pricked my ears and heard him in the kithen picking up the mess and humming to himself. He sounded content and I sighed, relieved, that he was fine and was not coming to check on me. I stared blankly at the ceiling, wondering what I would say to him when he came. But I didn't get any time to think before he marched into the room, with a look of concern on his face. I looked away, embaressed of the blush that was now burning in my cheeks..
"you okay?" he sayed in that soft and unintentionally seductive voice of his.
I sighed. "yeah, I'm fine." There was a little awkward silence.
"So..." he began, but I interuptted him
"I'm sorry for making such a mess and then you having to clean it up." I looked toward him with what I hoped was sorry written all over my face. He laughed, which made me somewhat offended at the same time as taking my breath away.
"Its not your fault I suprised you. And I don't mind cleaning up your messes." Then he smiled in a way that melted my heart and i looked away again in fear of giving my self away. He told me I should rest for a while, and though I didn't want to, I went to my room anyways. I was going to end up staring at a cieling so it didn't really matter which one.
My bed was soft and warm. The bcakof my eyelids were a much more intriguing view than the ceiling and I soon dropped off to sleep.
Jae Joong woke me up by crooning in my ear and rubbing my head so my hair went the wrong way. I rubbed my eyes and looked up at him in bewilderment.
"Jae, what do you want at this hour?"
"Yunho told me what happened and I just wanted to see if you were all right." I gave hime a puzzled look, normally he wouldn't wake me up for something like that.
"I'm fine...Can I go to sleep now?"
"In a minute. I just wanted to tell you something before you fall totally in love with Yunho." Too fucking late.
"what is it?" but instead of answering he kissed me on the mouth. I didn't know what to do. I had never been kissed before and his lips moving against mine was like taking a test I didn't study for. I pushed him slowly away and looked up into his eyes with more than a little confusion in my face.
"Why didn't you tell me?" I asked in a hoarse whisper. He looked away.
"because i didn't know you liked any one else. i though I had all the time in the world to make you fall in love with me." I didn't know what to say to that. What was I going to do now?

shall be continued later

Sat, 27 Sep 2008 02:56:38 GMT

Love is just another wasy of self destruction.
Love is a drug that kills you slowly, from the inside out.
To love is to die within yourself.

That pain that always clutched at my heart was there again today. I felt it squeeze and crush me as he was rained with kisses. I couldn't watch but there was no where to go. i couldn't turn because we were all packed in the back of a limo. I didn't want to pretend to sleep. So i watched. I watched and the pain ate at me. Their loving caresses and carefull devotion could be called beautiful. They had only eyes for eachother and i only had eyes for one. Was it just last week that I had been in his pants? Maybe it was the week before...I can't remember...

It was only after that he told me that I wasn't good enough. That he no longer loved me. That I was now a nobody. I had given my all and yet it wasn't enough. It hurt and now time didn't pass like it should. Only a few seconds mattered in a day and that was my time alone. To grieve and mourn the man I had lost. The rest was a haze and nothing more.

Twins

Wed, 09 Jul 2008 21:02:03 GMT

Name/Nickname: Kathrine/Kay
Age:14 (not for long!!)

Likes: the ocean, animals, writing when no one expects it of me, volleyball, running races when they are just for me, anime
Dislikes:: Humidity, SPIDERS, tree nuts (they'd kill me so i don't really like them), the condractions in life 'cause they hurt my brain, 99% of males, preppy people, politics, ( and pink is a sin which is worse)
Hobbies: reading, writing, volleyball, playing piano, traveling, thinking until my brain hurts, playing with my dogs
Strong points: I set an example in some very specific areas, uuhhhh.... I do what I want and I don't like to be pushed around
Weak points: stubborn, blind to the obvious, I hurt people's feelings a lot, I don't deal with people well
Future goals?: be a vet, get a good house with lots of dogs, never marry (men suck)
What do you think is the best quality about yourself? Why?: getting things done and normally taking over the situation, it gets things done I guess...
What do you think is the worst quality about yourself? Why?: Being judgemental and holding grudges for a long time...I never seem to forgive people
If there was one thing you would change about the world, what would it be? Why?: Men would be subordinate..women would rule because I think we are more qualified to do so...I'm a feminist by the way...
If there was one thing you would change about yourself, what would it be?: I would have an unending well of determination..
Let your inner fangirl out. Answer this question by gushing about your favorite member. (If you don't fangirl, say so. If it’s explicit, bold a warning beforehand.): I like Kibum soooooo much!!! He has the prettiest face structure I've ever seen and he has the cutest voice..
On the flip side, who’s your least favorite SuJu member? Why? (Try to be a little nice; your least favorite is probably someone’s favorite.): I don't know that much about the bands yet...my friend is teaching me all their names still, so i don't think that I have a least favorite
What’s your favorite SuJu pairing? (if you have one): not really...anything with kibum is pretty awesome!
If you could be a SuJu member for a day, which member would you be? Why?: someone close to Kibum
Favorite color?: Black and blue...deep forest colors like forest green and brown none of that lime green crap...
Favorite movie? Why?: Howl's Moving Castle because it's by Miyazaki and it's a love story...
Favorite saying/quote?: "Reaching for the ground but always getting sky" I made it up..so no one take it!
If you were an animal, what animal would you be, and why?: a wolf because I like them...on a reserve though so no one would shoot me...
If you were a dessert, what dessert would you be, and why?:Rasberry sherbert...'cause it's yummy
High, medium, or low energy?: Low mostly...unless something demands high...I'm not really a medium kind of person
Impulsive or cautious?: Cautious....
Mature or Immature?: Mature.
Optimistic or Pessimistic?: Pessimistic to the death
Touchy feely or not?: Depends on the person, mostly I hate to be touched..
Any pets? Tell us about them!: 2 dogs: Jackie is almost 4 years old she is a blue heeler greyhound mix she is a lap dog, the other Sarah is a mini aussi shepherd and is almost a year old and is a fluff ball
Leader or follower?: Leader if I care enough to do so..
What's the craziest thing you've ever done?: slid down a glacier in shorts and a t-shirt...i wouldn't advise it snow can sometimes be like razors
It's Saturday night. You have no obligations, a pocket full of cash, and time to kill. Where can you be found?:bookstore!!!!!
Some random stranger hugs you from behind. How do you react?: turn around and punch them, then administer first aid if it was needed...I like my personal space
You’ve been called on to be an actor/actress in a TV drama. What kind of drama/what genre of drama would you want to do? Why?: I hate acting with a passion...but I'd proabaly be in some kind of medical drama cause I like that stuff..
You're onstage... when you have a wardrobe malfunction. What comes next?: Hide behind a prop..

Wed, 02 Jul 2008 21:01:52 GMT

Born into insanity,
My soul lists to the side of self-destruction,
The cool water calls,
I can feel its tug such as the ocean feels the moon.

It echoes,
There is no place where I can not hear its whisper,
The silent endless whisper that pulls
Pulls me away from life and into its cool depths
Then I wake, not knowing dream from reality
I push away
Trying to find the surface
Yet the water is slippery
Molecule to molecule it fits
perfectly against my skin
And I know
that in the end i will go

I hear its rush loud against my ears
It pounds out rythyms below me
Twirls and spins in infinitely complex designs.

One step,
All I must do to make the phantoms go away is one
Small movement.

In the end I must join with what calls me
Nothing holds me back
Why not now?

A deep breath,
My last.

Rushing through the air
I hear the splash but do not feel it

There is no more tug
And like the ocean must do,
I finally went to what called me.

Tears

Mon, 02 Jun 2008 01:07:14 GMT

Sometimes there is no way to stop the tears from coming.

As you rush through the halls away from the pain that ripped open a huge hole where your heart should have been the tears poured out. What was the point in trusting people anymore? Betrayal was sure to come eventually if not immediately even if it was ‘unintentional’. The pain got worse; it hurt even more that he didn’t mean to sleep around, that he didn’t even think of you when he was doing it. And to think you were just about to allow him the unthinkable. Why trust? It was pointless, a waste of effort and resources. You ran down the steps so haphazardly that you hit your hip on the rail. Just one of so many others, but at least that one would go away. A wrenching sob escaped your lips because you knew there was no one to turn to; there was no one to care if you left.

The pain gets worse and worse. It hurts to breath, to think, and every effort draws too much energy from your body. You look up just long enough to miss hitting your head on the bottom of the playground fort. This is good, you think, it doesn’t matter anyways because you can’t run any farther.

Slowly, the sobs stop. The pain is still there but at least you can think about your situation for a moment. Who would miss you? Not you foster parents, they could use the extra money of you being gone. You don’t have any friends that wouldn’t stab you in the back at a moment’s notice. You have no…well you won’t think about that. There isn’t anyone on the face of the planet who would care if you just disappeared.

Next question: How to go? Pills too messy, drowning too scary (you’ve never been very brave), jumping…hmmmm….how would you get on a high enough building? You decided that was too technical. Oh wait! Jumping…in front of a car! That was it. Just a second of pain, could be called an accident; it was perfect. Just perfect.

You started walking (too tired to run anywhere and you had to think anyways...) toward the highway since that was the best place with the fastest and largest number of cars. Thinking was too hard at the moment; too painful. Your hands clenched into fists, then unclenched, then clenched again. Fear was creeping into your mind but you forced it down, no time for emotions either.

Staring down at the cars rushing by, you began to have second thoughts. What if it was painful? What if someone did care about you? But then again did you want to live in a world where you would die anyways. You were already suffering: not eating lunch to save money and stuff like that. Would god care if you came a little early to heaven’s gates? You laughed out loud. It was a sad desperate sound. There was no god. A god wouldn’t take you parents away from you.

You took a deep breath. A heaving more like, to keep yourself from crying. Goodbye world. Goodbye isolation. You grinned. Goodbye god. Then, without thinking, you climbed up on the edge of the bridge and pushed yourself off into the sea of roaring waves.

The first car hit you at what you guessed was eighty five miles an hour. A good pace for a highway you though absent-mindedly. Then the first wave of pain hit. This was so much worse than the invisible bruises. Suddenly the second car hit and it was like the first except it hurt more because you were already in pain. You felt light headed, like you were floating instead of pressing against the cold hard pavement. It hurt, or at least you though it should hurt since it had hurt a while ago.

It was kind of nice lying here, in the warm summer breeze with the sun shining on your face and a comfy bed of grass under you. Then you saw a really big tree moving toward you. First of all, why was a tree moving? Shouldn’t they stay in place? Your leg started to hurt but you couldn’t move, it felt like you were glued to the pavement. Wait, the pavement? You thought…And then tree hit you at about eighty miles an hour, and the last thing that came to you mind was you would have gone faster on a highway that was so big.

Only read if your bored (excuse the spelling I don't care enough to fix them...)

Wed, 30 Apr 2008 02:20:57 GMT

I haven't been on in super long time...not like anyone cares but....I guess I'll do my first semi-personal ntry and not jsut a crappy drabble...my life, as you'll soon learn is not very exciting so you can bear with me or stop reading doesn't matter to me...this week i had eight assessments most of them costing like a quarter of my grade and it sucked...i got to write essays however which in a small way was nice 'cause i got to write but other than that it wasn't fun...Volleyball ended for me and that also tanks becuase now i have nothing to do and I'll probabaly get really fat from inactivity, not like my parents or friends help me with that...they just shut down the converstion when I start talking about it..'You're not fat...its just your body type...don't worry about it...' but nobody listens to me, nobody wants to talk about it and that's oone of the reasons why i'm writing it here 'cause even though I know that all of you don't care at least I can tell someone who won't interrupt me...boys suck by the way...no offense to those reading this but I never seem to have luck with them...they all seem to want one freaking thing that I want nothing to do with...and it pisses me off...a lot...however i don't necessarily want to be lesbian or even bi because I have enough stress in my life and I don't need more...jeez everything sucks and sometimes I wish it would just end you know? I thought about it a lot lately and I fuigured out the perfect way for me to go: take a sharp knife and cut the three large viens in my neck...not romantic but practical and quick with little pain...the reason i haven't done it...I'm afraid I guess..oh yeah and I have a list of reasons to exist
Why I'm not dead Yet
my dogs
the color black
rock climbing/white water rafting/hiking
outdoors
books/reading
volleyball
the ocean
my cousin Jerry
rice crispie treats
'cause I'm weak...
Not very long is it? well maybe that's the reason I think about it so much cause there is so little keeping me from my demise....hmmm...I'll end this already sucky entry with a sucky poem I wrote.... noo title...

The tears rain down

But there’s blood on the floor

Thick and red, it pools into something resembling a sea

Surrounding the bare patches like islands

And then the islands are gone and its an endless sea of red

Resurrection has been a long time coming

But it is here this day

It is the blood

There aren’t any tears

Death is so near

Silence is so close and

Even through the pain

The tired rip and tear

Of skin and muscle

I can hear it

Like a lonely foghorn on the sea

A sea of tears that look like blood.

Writer's Block: When I Grow Up...

Wed, 05 Mar 2008 03:57:10 GMT

What do you want to be when you "grow up?"

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Veterinarian

What Do You Have To Say? - When I Grow Up...

Wed, 23 Jan 2008 03:50:19 GMT

What do you want to be when you "grow up?"

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Fri, 02 Nov 2007 01:01:19 GMT

The cold unforgiving truth bears down on my soul; I give under the constant weight. No matter how much I try to run away the facts are shoved in my face. I don't how to love. Or what love is for that matter. I walk down any street here, and there has to be at least one couple enjoying each other’s company. The beauty of that raw love hurts me; I have to turn away and scuffle on past. Me, I’m alone. Single in Paris is surprisingly easy to be. Yet there isn't anything more painful.

Today, of all days, the sky decided to weep at the very moment I was too far to go back for an umbrella. In a few a minutes I was soaked and therefore decided to walk because I couldn't get anymore wet. Turning onto the street across from the Eiffel tower I made my way through the thinning crowd to the bus stop where one other unlucky soul stood waiting. Together we stood shifting from foot to foot in a meek attempt to stay warm. When the bus finally came I got on first and sat two rows behind the driver and stared out at the dreary streets of the still somewhat magical town. When I reached le clinique vétérinaire the lights weren't even on. I sighed, knowing that, I would have to open shop again. The day was long and no interesting cases came in, only a few spays and neuters.

It wasn't raining when I said goodbye to my fellow veterinaries, but the sky was threatening a down pour. As I walked down the nearly empty streets the gutter caught my eye. It was full of water garbage, but mainly leaves. Each leaf was a boat fighting the heavy currents and obstacles to stay afloat. I followed one of these brave crafts until it was almost out of sight, but then at the last second it sank and I breathed out...

Suddenly, I was on the ground only aware of the wet seeping into my pants and the person who had knocked me down. His hair covered almost all of his face and when he reached out to give me a hand it was swept away to reveal the most beautiful features I had ever seen. And also features that I knew all too well. I jumped up, with the help of his mitten hand, and started to gather his packages which had become wet and soggy.

"So how do you like Paris, Marc?" I said rather loudly. He looked at me as if I had just him the color of his underpants, but all too soon his face changed from bewilderment to astonishment.

"Kat?" he said, with just the slightest suspicion

"In the flesh," I was so happy to have finally found one person who I actually knew in this strange city.

"Oh my God! I thought you went to Belgium not France?" he asked in an odd voice

"I decided that I couldn't make enough money in that tiny country."

"It's so good to see you Kat," and with that he hugged the stuffing out of me, causing the already destroyed packages to fall once again onto the wet pavement.

"Its goo to see you too," I mumbled into his shirt. We pulled away after a moment, still holding both of the other's hands, and just stared. I don't know what he felt, but I felt the strong light headed urge to throw up.

“Why don't you come over to my house and we can catch up on the past couple years," he said I very nearly said no, but the burden of loneliness was just too strong tonight.

So, in the end, I replied, “I’d love to! If you feed me.' He laughed at this said of course and, after collecting the packages, I followed him to his home.

What he didn't tell me was that his home was two miles away. So we trudged through the damp, cold and getting colder streets of Paris talking about our days as vet students.

"Remember the time when we finished last and had to buy Mr. Tithe man pizza?"

"That was every time we had a big lab. Remember when Sam streaked across the auditorium?'

"Ha! yeah but then he got kicked out."

"But went on to become a lower, and anyways he wouldn't have made a good vet."

Finally, we reached his house, soaked, because it had started raining again, and I realized that compared to most people, I was pretty well off. His house was small and there was paint peeling everywhere but it seemed that it was down and I guess that was all that mattered.

I stood in the hallway as he put the packages down and looked about me. The walls were covered in pictures of vet school and times after graduation. I hadn't realized how lonely I was until entering that hall. How empty my life was, or how much my "problem" inhibited me.

"You can take your shoes off, you know. And your coat. And walk more than two feet into house." he said

"Oh yeah" I mumbled as I began to do what he suggested. I was soaked to the core so he let me borrow his clothes, which was nice. And then he led me into the kitchen where to hot cocoas awaited us, which was even nicer. Over the steaming drinks we talked about everything and anything under the sun. We started with vet school and just went from there. A while later, I yawned into eh middle of speaking for so long that forgot what I was saying.

"Its getting pretty late," he said

"yeah I guess I should be going home"

"You don't have to go, I mean it’s too far too walk and I have a guest room with the bed all made up." My heart fluttered, for some reason, I silently told it to stop or I would clip its wings.

"Oh, I don't know..."

He interrupted me with, “you have to! I don't you getting a cold." that seemed to have settled it, so I slowly followed him up the stairs and collapsed on the guest bed, falling immediately into a deep slumber. I had no dreams that night, nothing to suggest what was really on my mind.

When I woke up the smell of pancakes was wafting up to from downstairs. Like metal to a magnet, I got up and hungrily followed the smell. He was there, in sweats and a t looking more attractive than anything I had seen for a while, including the pancakes.

"How did you sleep?" he said in a hoarse morning voice.

"Just fine, how about you?"

"Slept like an angel, but decided to wake up early enough to make pancakes," he smiled and turned around, back to the consuming duty of making pancakes. I sat and wondered how to start a conversation with him without sounding as if my personality was equivalent to a blank wall. I was at a loss, so, I got up and looked in his fridge for some milk to go along with the yummy smelling pancakes.

"The milk is already out," he said in a throaty voice next to my ear, “I was using it for my creations." My breath caught as I slowly turned around to find him but mere inches from. How I wanted to kiss him, hold him and never let him go. Our faces were so close I smell his delightfully pungent morning breath. And then he was gone, pulled back and distant.

"I'm sorry, I didn't think," he mumbled in an embarrassed voice.

All I could think of to say was, "You did nothing wrong, unless those feelings you just conveyed are untrue."

"Well, it’s just...