Denial is a horrible thing. To think that something will last forever on the simple insubstantial fact that you want it to is ignorance at its best. Though it is hard to look to the future and see the current happiness end in a place somewhere near unpleasant, it is foolish to think that turning away from such a fate will change anything. I must have always known that me and My Darling, as we shall call him here, would not last for a truly long extent of time. And, looking at the length of our lives, we are merely blips on each other's considerably long times of conciousness. (if you could call a human life long in any sense of the word compared to the length of time that the universe exists) It might even be said that our relationship is nearing the beginning of the end or the middle, depending on how one would interpret time, and this saddens me for I feel such intense joy around him. (though i refuse to compare him to the sun) 
We are still happy in many senses of the word and will be for a few months, but alas this shall come to an end sooner than either of us wants to ponder about it for one or two main reasons. That being that he has decided to live his life in discipline somewhere far away in order to partriotic to some organization or another, not like i especially care. He will leave in 13 days and 8 months. And then I will not see him for something days and 6 months, which is a terribly long time to not see someone you care about as dearly as I do him. So this leads me to a cross roads of decision. Shall I wait for my current lover, for six months, and hope that when he comes back all will be return to as it once was? That seems awfully optimistic, which, it seems, would be the heart of all the troubles that assaile me at this cross roads. Up until recently (yesterday) I thought that optimism would be enough for me and I could wait for six months because while it is a terribly long time it is also very short in the grand scheme of things. Up until yesterday I was already imagining his return into my arms as a hardened soldier longing for my love and acceptance. But no more. Both of us have been victiims of that disease called optimism and as with all diseases it brings disquiet to the mind and soul.
Yesterday, I learned that My Darling had been talking with an old and trusted friend, which to me is seemingly harmless. But, I had forgotten that I had been really his only constant friend contact for at least three months. How foolish I have been to think that he remain totally dedicated to staying together once given another option to follow. An easier option at that. No longer does he want to grow up and "adopt little asian babies together" and though this may have been said in jest, many a truth is said with a joking tone. So, when he said this i took it to be a greater possiblitly than I should have. My Darling and I, we were too optimistic for out situation. And in a way the weight of such disappointment crushes the breath out of me. How I wanted to be with him; To remain in that happy place where laughing was the constant accompaniment. Now, it will not be so. His friend, who I really can't blame for My Darling's change in heart for he is quite fickle, planted the idea of leaving this region where we live to go somewhere not far, but not near enough to remain in a healthy relationship. When I asked him bluntly about if he would stay in this place I plan to leave his answer was no longer "I will follow you to the ends of the earth!" but "It is possible" and now I know we shall not last as long as I expected. This brings me back to the cross roads and the other path that i will probably will more likely take if only to save myself from utter heart break. It will be to end what we have after a year of nearly continuous companionship and have little or no connections to him after he leaves for what he believes is the correct path for him. What is the point in waiting for someone who will not come back to you? If I truly love him i will let him go and if he truly loves me he will come back. But again this optimism whispering lies into my vulnerable mind and I know almost certainly that he will not come back. Truth is the greatest pain, but I must endure it.
I have a while before I must choose a path to walk down, changing my life forever so maybe things will alter in my perspective. Maybe for better and maybe for worse and even now I do not know which is which. So I will live in the moment as much as I truly can and not look forward and not look back.

Maybe we should dance until the sun rises,
Let the cool night air drive us before we're burning up
The beat won't leave for now
So we'll dance.
Twist our bodies under the full harvest moon
Oh mother luna we shall bask in you weak rays
Like beach goers tanning in your gold sister.

Yet we children of the darkness can never
Step (let alone dance) in the harsh rays
that hit the Earth twelve hours of the day

Our lives have an expiration date
This lonely hilltop beyond time itself where
Our circle of kindred spirits will be broken.
We will fade like wisps of fog
So for now let's dance
Dance for our lives.
 

Today, right now, I should feel exhilarated, content happy or jubilant, but I really don’t. I mean life is going pretty good for being an ultimately chaotic system; I have a boyfriend and friends and looking in from the outside I think that no one would see the cracks and seams that riddle the foundation. Especially the recently completed creation of adding a boyfriend to my life. At the beginning of the relationship there were so many possibilities so many paths that we could take that all seemed end in old age and eternal love. Now only four weeks later of officially dating I feel all the opportunities closing faster than I can realize them. I don’t talk well or maybe I don’t think I talk well and therefore might be creating the problem. Either way, I find it hard to connect with him on a level that would make our bond a little deeper than the superficial place it is now. I feel that when I talk about something he used to try to be interested and now he looks off into space barely. Maybe I exaggerating, maybe he is paying attention but I don’t feel the compassion anymore. I don’t feel the want that he had at the beginning to get to know me; every single particle. Now he just wants me for one simple thing that occupies the mind of all 18 year old males and I am not willing to go all the way but I have appeased him with other lesser things. And that is exactly what I have done: APPEASED him. I mean that it wasn’t like I didn’t particularly mind what we were (are) doing but after I feel violated and used. Like a rag to be thrown away with little ceremony. I shouldn’t feel that way. I am too important to ever feel that way. No one will care about me the way I care about me because people always put themselves first in the end. No one will save me from the burning building but myself and I must be strong enough to pull away and do that. There is no one more special or precious than me to myself. I am priceless, valuable, and worthwhile. I will not lower myself anymore to someone else’s standards. I will not become someone else for other people instead I will become more of myself and scare away all the people I have collected as friends when they see my real colors. But I don’t care. I am tired of pretending and holding back. I am tired of trying to cater to other people’s need because they won’t be there for me when I need them most. I am alone in this world. Totally alone in a world full of more than five billion people and I can’t believe that someone will save me because hope is a weakness I can’t afford to have. No one will really love me but me.

I am done with playing second fiddle to Matt in our relationship. He will realize my worth or he will lose me. Maybe I won’t make it without his arms protecting me like they have for the four past short weeks. He is my kind of drug and stopping cold turkey will be torture. But look on the bright side, I might lose weight cause I’ll have an excuse not to eat and I’ll have more time to exercise. Or I might just gain twenty pounds because I have an excuse to eat and then I’ll kill myself. It could go either way really.

I just want him to love me. I just want to know that he loves me. Like really truly. Meaning it is so far away from saying it you don’t even know. God it aches to love someone but have a fundamental problem that clashes with their baggage. I want him. I want to be with him. But can I and not be

Unhappy?

The winter day glows bright with hope,
And peace can be seen in a small patch of space
That beautiful being
Curled tightly in a ball
The sun shining through the window
And splaying its rays 
in just that one spot

The little creature covered in sun
Its breath silent and placid
Warming itself again today

A picture of sunlight and a little dog.
That is peace. 

yomi_chan305

slowdead

kayjayloves

kayjayloves

Sincerely,
kelpie11

Born into insanity,
My soul lists to the side of self-destruction,
The cool water calls,
I can feel its tug such as the ocean feels the moon.

It echoes,
There is no place where I can not hear its whisper,
The silent endless whisper that pulls
Pulls me away from life and into its cool depths
Then I wake, not knowing dream from reality 
I push away
Trying to find the surface 
Yet the water is slippery
Molecule to molecule it fits
perfectly against my skin
And I know
that in the end i will go

I hear its rush loud against my ears
It pounds out rythyms below me
Twirls and spins in infinitely complex designs.

One step,
All I must do to make the phantoms go away is one 
Small movement.

In the end I must join with what calls me
Nothing holds me back
Why not now?

A deep breath, 
My last.

Rushing through the air
I hear the splash but do not feel it

There is no more tug 
And like the ocean must do,
I finally went to what called me.

Sometimes there is no way to stop the tears from coming.

As you rush through the halls away from the pain that ripped open a huge hole where your heart should have been the tears poured out. What was the point in trusting people anymore? Betrayal was sure to come eventually if not immediately even if it was ‘unintentional’. The pain got worse; it hurt even more that he didn’t mean to sleep around, that he didn’t even think of you when he was doing it. And to think you were just about to allow him the unthinkable. Why trust? It was pointless, a waste of effort and resources. You ran down the steps so haphazardly that you hit your hip on the rail. Just one of so many others, but at least that one would go away. A wrenching sob escaped your lips because you knew there was no one to turn to; there was no one to care if you left.

The pain gets worse and worse. It hurts to breath, to think, and every effort draws too much energy from your body. You look up just long enough to miss hitting your head on the bottom of the playground fort. This is good, you think, it doesn’t matter anyways because you can’t run any farther.

Slowly, the sobs stop. The pain is still there but at least you can think about your situation for a moment. Who would miss you? Not you foster parents, they could use the extra money of you being gone. You don’t have any friends that wouldn’t stab you in the back at a moment’s notice. You have no…well you won’t think about that. There isn’t anyone on the face of the planet who would care if you just disappeared.

Next question: How to go? Pills too messy, drowning too scary (you’ve never been very brave), jumping…hmmmm….how would you get on a high enough building? You decided that was too technical. Oh wait! Jumping…in front of a car! That was it.  Just a second of pain, could be called an accident; it was perfect. Just perfect.

You started walking (too tired to run anywhere and you had to think anyways...) toward the highway since that was the best place with the fastest and largest number of cars. Thinking was too hard at the moment; too painful. Your hands clenched into fists, then unclenched, then clenched again. Fear was creeping into your mind but you forced it down, no time for emotions either.

Staring down at the cars rushing by, you began to have second thoughts. What if it was painful? What if someone did care about you? But then again did you want to live in a world where you would die anyways. You were already suffering: not eating lunch to save money and stuff like that. Would god care if you came a little early to heaven’s gates? You laughed out loud. It was a sad desperate sound. There was no god. A god wouldn’t take you parents away from you.

You took a deep breath. A heaving more like, to keep yourself from crying. Goodbye world. Goodbye isolation. You grinned. Goodbye god. Then, without thinking, you climbed up on the edge of the bridge and pushed yourself off into the sea of roaring waves.

The first car hit you at what you guessed was eighty five miles an hour. A good pace for a highway you though absent-mindedly. Then the first wave of pain hit. This was so much worse than the invisible bruises. Suddenly the second car hit and it was like the first except it hurt more because you were already in pain. You felt light headed, like you were floating instead of pressing against the cold hard pavement. It hurt, or at least you though it should hurt since it had hurt a while ago.

It was kind of nice lying here, in the warm summer breeze with the sun shining on your face and a comfy bed of grass under you. Then you saw a really big tree moving toward you. First of all, why was a tree moving? Shouldn’t they stay in place? Your leg started to hurt but you couldn’t move, it felt like you were glued to the pavement. Wait, the pavement? You thought…And then tree hit you at about eighty miles an hour, and the last thing that came to you mind was you would have gone faster on a highway that was so big.

The tears rain down

But there’s blood on the floor

Thick and red, it pools into something resembling a sea

Surrounding the bare patches like islands

And then the islands are gone and its an endless sea of red

Resurrection has been a long time coming

But it is here this day

It is the blood

There aren’t any tears

Death is so near

Silence is so close and

Even through the pain

The tired rip and tear

Of skin and muscle

I can hear it

Like a lonely foghorn on the sea

A sea of tears that look like blood.